The, Not So Gentle, Art of Exercise…

I want to get in shape and get healthy.  So we decide to keep our gym membership because hey, now I have time to go.  Reluctantly, I make a plan and decide to stick to it.

Day One. I walk in the door and scan my little key card.  The lady behind the counter loudly says, “I see you haven’t been in in awhile.”  No, I sure haven’t.  “Is there any reason you haven’t been in?”  I quietly reply, “No reason…just life”.  “I understand”, she says, “would you like a refresher on the equipment?”  I think to myself, no I don’t need you to show me how to use a treadmill for crying out loud.  It’s not rocket science.  Instead, I quickly reply, “No thanks…I’m good.” I hang my keys and scurry off to the treadmill in an attempt to avoid any more of her interrogation.

Once at the treadmill, I place my ear buds in my ears, set my playlist, and start out slow.  It really has been awhile since I’ve been in so I know that it won’t be long before I am out of breath and ready to move to something else.  The first five minutes go off without a hitch.  I’m lost in thought about my reward at the end…the really awesome chair massage.  If I can just get through 30 minutes on the treadmill and 15 on the bicycle, life will be good.  Unfortunately, being deep in thought whilst walking on a treadmill can be dangerous.  Before I know it, the chord from my ear buds catches on the machine and I am being pulled backwards while my head is being pulled forward with the chord.  In slow motion, I lose my footing.  Suddenly I’m living an America’s Funniest Home Video’s moment as the ear buds rip from my ears and I fall in to the wall behind me. I lay there for a moment before I quickly scan the area to see if anyone saw me. A lady a couple of machines down simply looks my way, shakes her head, and turns her gaze back to the televisions. I’m stunned and embarrassed. Wait, why did I just grab my boobs? Did I think that by some miracle they might have fallen off during the fall?  Dear God. I do a quick mental check…nothing seems broken and I’m not hurt.  Well, perhaps my pride, but everything else appears to be attached; including my boobs. I clumsily get back up and decide I will try the bicycle instead. Humiliated, I make my way across the room with my head down. Perhaps I should have gotten the refresher course on the treadmill because clearly it is rocket science.

Day Two. My body hurts. More than likely from the fall because honestly, I didn’t stay much longer after my self inflicted humiliation yesterday. But not today. Today I wore clothing with pockets so I can tuck my phone and the chords neatly against my body. Once again, I attempt the treadmill. From the corner of my eye, I notice a woman a few machines down from me giving me a disapproving stare. Ah yes, that’s the woman that couldn’t be bothered to check on me yesterday. Awesome. After 25 minutes of success on the treadmill I carefully exit the machine and proudly saunter over to the stationary bike; Eye of The Tiger playing in my head. I complete 10 minutes on the bike and decide to call it a day before anything goes wrong.

My reward awaits. 10 minutes in the most amazing massage chair ever. This is really the only reason I like this gym membership. I lay down, get comfortable, and…fall asleep. Now, you would think that the feeling of the machine shutting down would awaken me. No, not me, not today. I awaken some twenty minutes later to the sound of the very annoyed lady behind the counter. Remember her from yesterday…inquisition lady? Yeah, her. “You cannot fall asleep in the massage chairs!” I mumble an apology and she informs me that I snore. I find myself scanning the gym for camera’s… am I someone’s funny outtakes this week? I am seriously not coming back here.

Day Three. I’m committed. I change the time of day that I go in the hopes that anyone who has witnessed my fitness bloopers will not be in attendance for whatever debacle I may encounter today. My thighs and my butt hurt. No pain no gain right!? But why does my butt hurt so bad? Is it getting smaller? I find myself turned sideways, staring at my butt in the plethora of mirrors; trying to decide if thirty minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the bike have miraculously shrunk my behind. As I decide the answer is no, I realize that I have acquired somewhat of an audience. I can feel my face turn red. Head down, I make a b-line for the treadmill. I miss the stair. Seriously? I’m on the floor – AGAIN – mere feet away from my first humiliation just days ago. Instinctually, I scan the room and there she is; mean disapproving lady. This time she stares at me for a long while. I’m certain that I can read her mind today and believe me…she’s not saying anything nice.  I am defeated. I pick myself up off the floor and practically run to my car.

Day Four. The gym membership has been canceled and the funds have been reallocated. I stopped at Starbucks and got a Grande Iced White Chocolate Mocha with Caramel Syrup, no whipped cream. See how I watched my figure there? No whipped cream. Next week I might order it with fat free milk. We’ll see.

Until Next Time



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